Bloodsport

Howdy friends, today's review is of the 1998 Van Damme martial arts classic Bloodsport. This is the third movie that @FrankCraig13 has suggested and next time is someone else's turn, so get your suggestions in.

Fuck me its been a long time since I last seen this and I hope its not dated badly but anyway, here goes...

The movie begins with some ching chong music over the backdrop of Hong Kong, as the music continues
we are taken into a a room where a hape of boyos are hard at work preparing the room for an upcoming tournament. Then, in a move most modern superstar DJs would be proud of, the music cranks up another level as an 80's drum machines kick in over the ching chong music "du dud, du dud, du dud, dud dud dud dud du da!!" Yes! I am instantly transported back in time by that music, good things are surely in store here!!

After the drum solo the action cuts to a sort of china garden, where Bolo Yeung is kicking the shite out of three big chunks of ice hanging from a tree branch. This boy is a serious operator and he's been in tonnes of martial arts movies including Enter the Dragon, Double Impact and Shootfighter. In fact, the cunt has acted in over 107 movies! Impressive!! But I digress...

Theres a bit of a montage going on here, we've got Bolo Yeung smashin ice blocks, some other buck in yellow MC Hammer pants kickin his way through planks of wood, a black lad in a tree judo chopping coconuts, and various other fighters training and fighting to the awesome 80's drum machine soundtrack. The boys in the montage are a motley crew consisting of all manner of fighters, they are preparing for the Kumite, a full contact, no holds barred fighting competition. Kind of like The Grill car park on a Saturday night, or The Limelight in Glenties back in the glory days, or The Dodge in Gweedore any night its open..

Anyway the montage ends and we are in a room with Van Damme, he's doing his trademark high kick on a boxing speed bag, no mean feat give how high them yokes are off the ground. Van Damme is in the army and is heading off to Hong Kong on his holidays to compete in the Kumite. He's going by the name of Frank Dux, and the army boys aren't to happy that he's heading off to Hong Kong, but Van Damme doesn't care what they think, and he fucks off anyway. Sure it wouldn't be the first time he's gone AWOL... (terrible pun, sorry)

Van Damme then turns up at a quaint wee Japanese looking house. Fuck me but he's dressed like a cock! Leather jacket with the sleeves rolled up, vest from Geordie Shore, and a pair of slacks up over the bellybutton!! Anyway, he's greeted by an ould doll who heads off to tell the man of the house that Van Damme is here. While she's gone Van Damme has a flashback to his youth where he's caught trying to rob a sword out of the house he's in.
This is all kind of long and boring so to summarise, the man of the house takes the young Van Damme on and trains him up along with his wimpy son. Later on the son croaks it, so Van Damme becomes the main focus of the training, cue another montage of the ould fella horsing Van Damme about the place and generally beating him up. He also displays some nifty skills for an ould fella, like fighting blindfold and pulling fish out of a tank using his super fast ould fella reflexes. Van Damme also serves the couple breakfast with a blindfold on, and blocks a sneaky chop from the ould buck proving that he's a proper ninja. This all sounds a bit daft but you never know when such skills might be required...

But the training doesn't stop there, the ould cunt beats him with sticks and fucking stretches the shit out him with a hape of ropes! But that doesn't bother Van Damme, as he has can meditate his way out of it, cool bastard.
Anyway, satisfied that Van Damme is now hard as nails the training and flash back end. Back in the house the ould fella is lying wrecked in bed, Van Damme goes in and tells him he's for the Kumite to "honour" the ould fells name.


Whoosh! And we're in Hong Kong where Van Damme is on a bus (wearing the same get up he had on in the ould fellas house, stinking cunt!). A bearded lad who popped up in the earlier training montage gets on to the bus with him, what are the odds! Beardy tries chatting up some local skirt but gets denied.
Later, in the bar of a hotel across town, a fit Yankee reporter is chatting to two Asian lads, quizzing them about the Kumite, but the boys are well versed in the traveller ways and tell her zip before fucking off. Van Damme is also there and, being the consummate professional he is, has decided against relaxing after the long journey and instead has decided to take on the big bearded buck from the bus at an arcade fighting game.

For those younger readers, allow me to explain what an arcade game was. Back in the day before PlayStation and Xbox, if you wanted to have a go at something other than the shit computers of the day, you went down the local arcade and played the machines. This was a costly habit but fucking great craic if you could afford it. These machines were usually found in snooker halls and chippers in small towns, but larger metropolis's (such as Letterkenny and Bundoran) had purpose built dens of adolescent iniquity. Which were fucking class.

Anyhoo, Van Damme takes on Beardo and hammers him 3-0 at the shitty game. After sharing a joke the boys become mates and head to their hotel where they met Lin, their minder and guide about town. Lin looks like the Mouth From The South, Jimmy Hart..
He informs them that scraping outside the ring will result in them getting kicked out of the tournament.

Meanwhile, back at the ould fellas house, the army have dispatched Forrest Whitaker (who would later go on to greater things) and some old buck to track down Van Damme. They are a typical slapstick good cop bad cop duo, with Whitaker playing the impatient pup, and the ould cop being the long-in-the-tooth veteran.

Van Damme, Beardo and The Mouth are out on the streets and make their way down a series of alleyways to the top secrete location of the Kumite. Once inside its a hive of activity, with loads of boys going through their paces. The lads go to check in but Van Damme gets some Ryanair style bother with his invitation as he doesn't look like the ould Japanese boy that trained him up. The stewards want Van Damme to show them the "deft touch" move to prove he is who he says he is. "No bother sir!" says Van Damme and he heads over to a pile of bricks to do his stuff. The steward cunts are proper awkward and demand he smash the bottom brick of the pile. A crowd gathers and the tension rises, Van Damme gives it some meditation before pulling a cum face and slapping the top brink causing the bottom one to explode! Boom!! Have that you cunts! The stewards are happy enough but Bolo Yeung pipes up and says "Brick no hit back". Ominous stuff.

Down at the local cop station the army cops are hunting down Van Damme but the local Captain fucks them off with some wishy washy response.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel bar the Yankee reporter is at it again, this time chatting up some Iranian looking lads. The main Iranian, who has a bit of the Luis Suarez look about him, has had enough of her shite, but before he can give her a slap Van Damme and Beardy step in. Knowing that they'll get kicked out of the tournament for fighting over this doll they decide to make a bet, if Van Damme can snatch a coin out of Suarez's hand then the chick is his. Remembering the fish snatching trick the ould fella taught him previously, he snatches the coin out of Suarez's hand and makes him look a right wanker in front of his mates. Van Damme takes the bird for a walk and puts his smooth charm on her, agreeing to take her to dinner the following night, playa.

Its the morning of the Kumite and Beardo calls into Van Damme to wake him up, but he's already up doing a bit of meditating and stretching in preparation for the tournament. I reckon Van Damme and Debbie from Wrestlemaniac http://sonofsam92.blogspot.ie/ should get together as the potential for fireworks is surely there...

Anyhow, the lads and Jimmy Hart head off for the Kumite. At the opening ceremony some ould codger gives them the history of the tournament and all its honour and what not, but the fighters don't give a fuck and are more interested in giving each other the evil eye, and puttin the stare down on each other. After the speech there's a stereotypical flurry of cash waving Asians getting their gamble on, and its finally time to rumble!!

Two lads take to the center stage, the first cunt is dressed like Ryu from Streetfighter 2 in an away kit, and he's gonna be taking on a kickboker in traditional Sagat shorts. The music builds up and is reminiscent of Frankie Goes to Hollywood's Two Tribes Go To War, its fucking ace fighting music!

Round one, fight! (Except there are no rounds in this game, you get beat by either KO, submission, or getting booted off the big ass mat they fight on). The fight is alright but the kickboker lad is way better than away kit Ryu and gives him a good pasting, culminating with him upper cutting him out off the mat, splat. The crowd who've backed the kickboxer go wild, while the loosers who had Ryu throw their useless bet slips at his unconscious body! Tough crowd..

Next up and its Van Damme's bearded buddy and arcade game playing partner Jackson. Jackson is a big man but looks like he's been on the piss for years, definitely no meditating, stretching or gym work in his routine.. He's up against a puny looking cunt with a shit mullet and the two of them go at it. The wee buck gets in amongst him and throws a few digs drawing blood from Jackson's nose, bad move as it pisses him off no end. He fucking steams in and grabs the puny cunt by his shit mullet and smashes him in the face knocking him the fuck out! He follows this up with a bit of a jig around the ring and calls out Bolo Yeung in front of the crowd, Yeung just smugly looks back at him as if to say, "Aye, I'll fucking sort you out soon enough ya bearded cunt".

The action's moving thick and fast and its on to the next bout where none other than Bolo Yeung is up. The Mouth of The South informs the boys that Yeung is the current champ, and killed some fucker in last years tournament. He's fighting some skinny bastard and does him in in record time, 14.8 seconds, then he dances round the ring like a gimp. He's surely the favourite for the tournament as every fucker in the crowd is waving money and chanting his name, he'll take some beating..

Finally, its the turn of the Mussels from Brussels, and he's up against the Iranian Luis Suarez from the hotel bar. But its a none event as Van Damme minces him in 12.2 seconds. Stick your player of the year award up your arse Suarez! But its not over, in typical Suarez fashion he heads in to have another go at Van Damme off the ball, but Van Damme uses his Spidey senses and catches him with a spinning elbow in the face, bosh!

Bolo Yeung looks pissed that his record has been smashed so soon after he set it, while Jackson is going fucking bananas in the crowd whooping and hollering. As Suarez is being dragged off some eagle eyed lad on the sideline (who looks like Monkey from Monkey) spots that his gold tooth has been knock out by Van Damme's spinning elbow, so he mooches over and swipes it while pretending to clean up the blood, crafty hoore!!

Cue another montage to move things along with an assortment of fighters doing battle to the soundtrack of 80's drum machine led tunes. Funny how the music all seems to be 80's based when the film came out in the 90's. Anyway, all the main players go through and the montage ends.

At this stage the local police Captain (who I earlier thought was an unhelpful dick) turns up where the army cops are having lunch, he tells them the name of the hotel Van Damme and Jackson are staying at, snitch.
Whitaker and the ould fella turn up and tell Van Damme its time to go home, this triggers a slapstick chase to terrible music which is boring as fuck. The only good part of this scene is where Jackson calls Whitaker "dickface", which I haven't heard since school as is still as funny now as it was then. Keeping the love interest alive Van Damme takes the hot Yankee doll out to dinner and nails her, then he's up at early doors and away to Day 2 of the Kumite, "see ya later love".

The boys are in early and while Jackson is impressing the stewards with his brick smashing skills, some Asian Wizzy Brown character chats to Van Damme about his chances trying to get a lead on a bet. Wizzy Brown is there with the Yankee doll Van Damme nailed the night before! Jesus Christ but she must be the quickest doll on the planet at gettin ready to go out as she's in full evening wear (or maybe its just late in the evening). Either way Van Damme doesn't give a fuck, she says she's undercover for the story, leaving him confident that it'll be him nailing her later that night, and not Wizzy.

The fighting kicks off and we can see the blood stains on the mat from day 1 are still viable, reinforcing that this is indeed, a blood sport, and that the mat cleaners spend more time stealing gold teeth than they do mopping up blood. There's another music montage fighting scene where a ugly Mexican looking kickboxer, Van Damme, and Bolo Yeung all win. Bolo Yeung wins his match by virtue of a dirty leg break on some poor bastard, much to the pleasure of the bloodthirsty crowd.

The montage continues and the fighters are dropping like flies. Van Damme takes on a lad who looks like Emmanuel Adebayor and makes light work of him before some big fat sumo looking lad crushes the coconut chopper from the start of the movie.

Next up its Van Damme against the fat E Honda chap, Van Damme's kicking away but the fat lad can take it and finally get a hould of him and puts him in a bear hug. Van Damme head butts his way outta trouble and sets up fatty for a signature body punch but the big man recovers and comes at him for another go.

Van Damme uses his stretching powers and does the splits to get under sumo before nailing him with a vicious uppercut to the balls! The crowd goes wild and start chanting his name much to the displeasure of the onlooking Bolo Yeung...

Up next its Jackson vs Bolo Yeung, can't see this one ending well. Jackson gets off to a good start and floors Yeung with a hammer fist to the head. Then, like a dick, he starts prancing round the ring like he's won, chanting his own name to the crowd.
Meanwhile, in the background, Yeung is back on his feet, oh dear...
Jackson lumbers into him but Yeung is ready for him this time and kicks the fuck out of him. He gets him on the floor and kicks away at him before jumping on his head leaving him lying there like a vegetable. Being the evil baddie that he is, he then swipes Jackson's gay Harley Davidson headband off his head and taunts Van Damme with it.

The scene cuts to the hospital where Jackson is alive but well fucked up, Van Damme tells him that he's gonna sort Yeung out and not to worry. At this point, the chick, (knowing nothing about male bravado and honour), pipes up saying that Van Damme will end up in hospital too if he seeks out revenge, "For fucks sakes woman, stay out of it" says Van Damme. She storms off and Jimmy Hart tells Van Damme to cop the fuck on, forget about the doll, and get his head back in the game.

Jeasus Christ.. After telling the doll all about his dream of fighting in the Kumite what does she do? She goes to the cops and rats him out while he's off having a miserable flashback of Jackson's injury. Un-fucking-believable...

Its the morning of the final day of the Kumite and as Van Damme heads down the ally he's greeted by a gang of local cops and the two inept army cops. They are taking him down. No they fucking aren't as he disposes of the lot of them before blatantly fucking off the two army cops and heading into the Kumite anyway, legend!

Fight time! Its the semis and up first is Van Damme and the ugly kickboxer bloke that looks like a Mexican gang member. Van Damme seems to be off his game and falls for a sucker punch before dusting himself off and kicking the fuck out of the kickboxer. Bolo Yeung is up next in the other semi and he makes mince meat of his opponent killing him stone dead with a vicious blow to the head, much to the disgust of the elders who run the tournament. But sure Yeung doesn't give a fuck what they think, he shrugs it off and tells Van Damme he's next.

And so it comes, the final battle, good vs evils and all that. As the organisers alter the layout of the mat for the final battle, the crowd start getting their money down. We see Bolo Yeung's trainer sneaking some manner of white tablet into his shorts, no doubt some sort of cheating is afoot..

Yeung's wearing Jackson's headband round his knee and tells Van Damme he's gonna break him like he broke Jackson, fightin talk!
Lets get it on!!
Van Damme starts well, firing a few kicks into Yeung, but Yeung battles back to level it up before Van Damme smashes him with a flying kick before pummelling him with a series of punches.




Yeung is down but not out, sensing defeat he reaches for the white pill in his shorts (in full view of every bastard in the room!) crushes it, and chucks the dust in Van Damme's face, blinding him. Cheating bastard.. Whatever this dust shit is it fucks Van Damme right up, he can't see jack and looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Bolo Yeung wastes no time and steams in give the blind Van Damme what for. He's rolling about on the ground like a Saturday night drunk while Yeung dances round him firing a few kicks in for good measure. The crowd are all going mad chanting Yeung's name and seem to be oblivious to the blatant cheating that's going on. No booing?, no pointing?, no fuck all as Van Damme (who had the fight all but won) is now getting minced. He's in the middle of the mat and blind and only one thing can save him.......  A flashback!

Remembering his meditation and blindfold training Van Damme closes his eyes and prepares his mind for battle. The cheating bastard Yeung goes to do him with a chop to the face but Van Damme is ready for him and blocks it, back in the game! He's up and running again and is fighting blind, what a legend! Yeung throws the ref at him but Van Damme is too wily for that and the ref avoids a smashing.

Why the fuck is there a ref in there anyway? Its full contact and anything goes so bar saying "Fight" there's no reason for that stupid fucker to be in there at all.

Bolo Yeung is making a balls of this and instead of taking the blind Van Damme on, he's stalking around him looking for the killer blow. Van Damme does some boring acrobatics jumping over Yeung's attacks before finally landing a kick on him. Then he pulls out the big guns, 4 roundhouse kicks in a row and Yeung is fucked.
Van Damme makes Yeung submit like the cheating pussy he is and takes back his mates gay headband (which might need a wash). With the fight over the organisers give Van Damme a kick ass black and gold samurai sword for his efforts, nice.



With the tournament won and his bird back at his side (even though she all but tried to have him deported the day before) Van Damme heads to the hospital to chat to his mate Jackson.
Jackson seems to have made an amazing recovery from the kick in the head that had him looking like a vegetable the day before. He's sitting up in bed drinking beer, hoo ra! The HSE could learn a lot from this type of rehabilitation.




Happy to see his buddy (that he only met 3 days ago) up and about again, Van Damme pulls out the Harley headband and gives it to Jackson while the two of them share a homoerotic stare into each others eyes, ahh, bless. They declare their love for one another (seriously, they do) and Jackson tells Van Damme that if he ever needs a hand in the bog, he's only a phone call away. With that, Van Damme heads off to catch his plane home.

On the runway (Ryanair style) the two most inept cops on the planet,  Forrest Whitaker and the ould fella, are waiting patiently for Van Damme to arrive so they can finally take him home. Having been led on a merry dance by Van Damme throughout the movie, and failed miserably at the task they were originally set, they figure he's not showing up. But Van Damme appears! He's somehow managed to sneak past them and is at the top of the stairs Houdini style! He laughs at the two cunts below before sharing a moment with them as they get on the plane. Van Damme takes one more look back to the runway to see his bird giving him a wave goodbye, he gives her some manner of karate pose and the movie ends.

Fucking hell, only as the end credits roll do I realise that this Frank Dux character Van Damme plays is a real buck! The end credits tell us the following..

Sounds like a proper hard bastard from reading that. This is what the buck actually looked like..

Anyway, that ends that. If I'm being honest, I must say I enjoyed watching this movie again, Van Damme in his pomp was always guaranteed high kicking mayhem, as opposed to the Coors Light flogging joker he is now.

Sam's review 8/10, wicked 80's drum machine soundtrack, a cast of characters similar to what you'd find in a video game, footballer lookalikes and comedy fight scenes, this one has it all.
Negatives are the cops chasing him, they're fucking fools and there's no need for them or that gay chase scene.

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